Colectie de bancuri

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[Diana]

Nu e chiar banc, dar daca tot e deschis acest topic, voi posta aici.
E vorba de o faza petrecuta astazi, la o ora oarecare... (sa-i spunem de Psihologie... ) ... cand profesorul incerca sa ne explice ceva despre conceptele de baza, conceptele subordonate si cele supraordonate. Voi incerca sa-l parafrazez si sper sa reusesc sa surprind comicul situatiei, desi interpretarea profesorului a facut toti banii: 

<< Conceptele de baza sunt acele concepte care se reactualizeaza cel mai usor din minte. De exemplu, atunci cand vedem patru labute, o coada relativ stufoasa, niste urechi rotunjite la capete si de obicei asa, mai blegi, cand auzim o vibratie de genul , sau dimpotriva, un sunet mai ascutit, cum ar fi , atunci n-o sa zicem niciodata

[matrafox]

Moderatorul si cu iubita in dormitor:
M:- Draga vreau sa facem dragoste in noaptea asta.
I: - Ma doare capul.
M: (o palma peste bot)
I: - Ce a fost asta ???!!!
M: - Warning pentru OFF Topic!

mod edit: o sa pastram toate bancurile intr-un singur topic, spre a fi citite usor.

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Mugur Isarescu, guvernatorul BNR, se duce la tuns.
Frizerita:
- Cum mai merge economia, domnu' guvernator?
- Bine, raspunde Isarescu, deranjat de intrebare.
Din doua in doua minute, frizerita il intreaba:
- Cum mai merge economia?
- Bine, bine, dar de ce ma enervezi mereu cu intrebarea asta?
- Pentru ca vi se ridica parul pe cap, si mi-e mai usor...

 

[manole silviu]

Un terorist arab ii scrie sefului: Salam Aleikum, salutam cu rezbect la jefu! Aderizat la Romania cu bomba la valiza ascuns bine; dragut fara problem control aerobort, fiinca mai gasit un bagaj pierdut pe drum. Pastrat dolar american blestemat, pentru construit aigea bomba noua; dat jumadate la daxi, jumatate furat tigan din buzunar. Indalnit frate Ahmed, patron magazin, ajudat la mine. Discutat cu el la cafenea plan bomba, consumat egler proaspat, intoxicat zalmonel, noi ajuns spital, doctor roman durut la curu lor. Asta zalmonel bun pentru bomba biologica este. Jefu', gu bomba praf antrax nu putut facut la Romania, deci ingergat plan bomba cu bum-bum! ... Mutat apartament frate Ahmed, adus mult frumos aminde tara mia, fara apa la robinet. Urmarit emiziuni explozie camion azotat, facut frica la mine. Astia romani are tupeu nu gluma! Trebuie recrutati, jefu, si facut teroristi! Bomba cu azotat mare efect aveam! .... Inderesat pilotat avion pentru lovit gladire la roman; vazut delevizor aparat zbor MIG prabusit singur in ogorul taranului, plus altu roman stricat singur gladire, adormit beat, tigara aprinsa, murit zoagra, facut chef mare la ei.... Draga jefu', gineva furat la mine gas pastrat bentru bus la bomba, iar azeara, gand eu iesit cumparat baglava, exblodat budelie la parter si apartamentu frate Ahmed s-a ales brafu' si bulberea de el. Aicia la Romania, mult cretin este! Zberiat, zguibat la zin, cacat mult pe mine de frica! Jefu, ma indorg agaza, daca mai scap viu! Astia romani nu are nevoie de terori, face singuri treaba noastra!!! Cu respect, Ali ...

[Alecsandru]

Noaptea, inainte de examen. In apartamentul profesorului suna telefonul pe la 3.
Cu o voce iritata acesta raspunde:
-Da!
-Dormi?
-Bineinteles ca dorm!
-...si noi invatam 'tutzi "cenzura" ma-tii !...
Unei tiganci ii venise sa nasca in intersectie........un politai sa o ajute o incuraja: - hai ca poti impinge!!
tiganca avea gemeni .....scoate unu capu afara , se uita , intra la loc si ii zice celuilalt:
- frate hai prin spate ca pe aici sunt gabori !

[matrafox]

Tariful nostru este urmatorul: douazeci de dolari pe noapte,
pat si micul dejun, sau cinci dolari daca va faceti singur patul.
- Foarte bine, imi fac singur patul.
- Poftiti fierastraul si ciocanul, ramane doar sa faceti rost de cuie.

Sarbatori fericite !

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[Dragomir]

 Pe malul Ciricului, un taran dadea la coasa agale.
 La un moment dat vede un deltaplan zburand pe deasupra lui. Il urmareste cu privirea, si il vede izbindu-se de un bloc turn, indoindu-se, cazand intr-un copac...

 Sta taranul rezemat in coasa, se uita cum ajunge deltaplanul la pamant, da palaria pe spate si murmura catre sine:
 "Tara de c..., atentate de c..."

(E limbajul prea colorat? E de sters? Anuntati-ma)

[blur]

Un sofer de tir este oprit de un politist.
Agentul ii spune ca a depasit limita de viteza, ii cere permisul si citeste:
- Ooo... domnul Lucian Blaga. Poftiti carnetul inapoi si va rog sa ma scuzati.
Soferul: - Dar ce s-a intamplat?
Politistul: - Eeeeh... mai citim si noi!

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There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check....'
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Un naufragiat ajunge pe o insula si se intalneste cu un alt naufragiat, il intreaba:
- Sunt canibali pe aceasta insula?
In cele din urma acesta ii raspunde:
- Nu! L-am mancat pe ultimul astazi.

 

[blur]

Cat am fost mic, parintii mi-au spus sa nu deschid usa de la pivnita. Am fost ascultator si nici macar n-am atins-o. Asta o vreme... Pana pe la varsta de 14 ani cand, din curiozitate, am deschis-o. Atunci am vazut soarele, norii, iarba, pasarile....

 

[Dragomir]

[blur]

Rabinul din Haifa era un jucator de golf patimas.
Peste saptamana fiind innorat, rabinul nu a putut sa joace golf. Sambata dimineata se insenineaza, dar nici atunci nu putea juca golf, din cauza sabatului.
Gandindu-se ca nu-l vede nimeni, rabinul s-a furisat totusi pe terenul de golf. Insa tatal sau il vede din Rai si i se adreseaza Domnului:
- Fiul meu incalca sabatul.
- Asteapta, il pedepsesc indata pentru asta!
Rabinul ridica crosa si loveste mingea, care intra in gaura de la 250 m.
- Asta numesti pedeapsa? intreba batranul evreu.
- Sigur ! rade Dumnezeu. Ce lovitura! Si nu poate spune nimanui!


Cativa vamesi sunt intrebati:
- Cat timp trebuie sa lucratzi, ca sa va cumparati BMW?
Ucraineanul: "5-6 luni..."
Ungurul: "2-3 luni..."
Romanul: "Un an jumatate!"
-De ce atat de mult ?!
Romanul: "BMW e totusi o companie foarte mare!"

[blur]

Murphy's photography laws

* You are not Ansel Adams
* Neither are you Herb Ritz
* Automatic Cameras - Aren't
* Auto Focus - won't
* If you can't remember, you left the film at home
* No photo assignment remains unchanged after the first day of shooting
* When in doubt, motor out
* If a photo shoot goes too smoothly, then the lab will lose the film
* If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid
* Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Client is watching
* The most critical roll of film is fogged
* If you forgot, then you did not rewind the film
* Photo Assistants are essential, they give photographers someone to yell at
* The one item (batteries, film, and ect.) you need is always in short supply
* Interchangeable parts aren't
* Long life batteries only last for a couple of rolls
* Weather never cooperates
* Everything always works in your home, everything always fails on location
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
* The newest and least experienced photographer will usually win the Pulitzer
* Every instruction given to a lab, which can be misunderstood, will be
* There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work
* Never tell the Photo Editor you have nothing to do
* Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't
* No photojournalist is well dressed
* No well dressed photographer is a photojournalist
* Professional photographers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs
* The nature shots invariably happen on two occasions:
-when animals are ready.
-when you're not.
* Same rule just substitute children
* Client Intelligence is a contradiction
* There is no such thing as a perfect shoot
* The important things are always simple
* The simple things are always hard
* Flashes will fail as soon as you need them
* A clean (and dry) camera is a magnet for dust, mud and moisture
* Photo experience is something you never get until just after you need it
* The self-importance of a client is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness)
* The lens that falls is always the most expensive.
* when you drop a lens cap, the inside part always lands face down in the mud.
* Bugs always want to land on the mirror during a lens swap.
* Your batteries will always go dead or you will need to put in a new film canister at the least opportune moment.
* Your batteries will always go dead during a long exposure (so with the shutter open).
* When you shoot the night away and never have to stop. Your film did not roll on to the take up reel.
* Camera are designed with a built-in sensor, that senses the anticipation to develop the film.
When the level of anticipation is highest, this sensor causes the back to flip open exposing the film.
* Lenses are attracted back to their source - hard rocks.
Corollary:
The more expensive the lens, the greater the attraction.
* No matter how long you've had a convention for marking film holders, you will forget it - when exposing the once-in-a-lifetime shot.
* Safelights - aren't.
* The greater a photographer's excitement, the greater its chance of fogging film, scratching prints, and deleting files.
* The success of an assignment is inversely proportional to the product of its importance and the number of people watching.
* Strobes only explode when lots of people are watching.
Corollary:
Strobes only work when there is nobody else to see.

[ex_member2]

   Cand un barbat se declara pregatit sa preia prepararea gratarului, se
declanseaza urmatoarea serie de evenimente:

1) femeia cumpara mancarea
2) femeia face salata, pregateste legumele si desertul
3) femeia pregateste carnea pentru gratar, o asaza pe o tava, impreuna
cu toate celelalte ustensile necesare si o duce afara, unde barbatul sta
deja asezat cu o bere in mana in fata gratarului.
Si aici vine punctul cel mai important al intregii desfasurari:
4) BARBATUL ASAZA CARNEA PE GRATAR !
5) apoi mai multe activitati de rutina, femeia aduce farfuriile si
tacamurile afara
6) femeia informeaza barbatul ca  mai este putin si se arde carnea
7) el ii multumeste pentru aceasta informatie importanta si-i mai
comanda totodata inca o bere femeii, in timp ce el se ocupa de situatia
de urgenta
Si apoi inca un punct foarte important !
8) BARBATUL IA CARNEA DE PE GRATAR SI O DA FEMEII !
9) apoi urmeaza din nou rutina. Femeia aranjeaza farfuriile, salata,
painea, tacamurile, servetelele, sosurile si aduce totul afara pe masa.
10) Dupa masa femeia elibereaza masa, o curata, spala vasele
Si din nou, foarte important !!!
11) TOTI IL LAUDA PE BARBAT PENTRU CALITATILE LUI IN ARTA GATITULUI SI II MULTUMESC PENTRU MANCAREA FOARTE BUNA !
12) Barbatul o intreaba pe femeie cum i-a placut faptul ca nu a fost
nevoita sa gateasca si cand observa ca ea e cam botoasa, ajunge la
concluzia ca pe femei nu le poti satisface oricum niciodata.